According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
