Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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