ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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