At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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