I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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