it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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