yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
