Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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