Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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