my phone needs a breathalizer
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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