I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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