I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
