And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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