Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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