Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
