"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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