Four minutes until I can fart!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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