I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
