i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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