is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
