i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
