Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
