Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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