I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
