just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
