I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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