Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
