You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
