I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
