Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
only if we run a train.
done.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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