is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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