I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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