I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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