He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
