I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
