I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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