I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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