I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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