I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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