I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
