I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
