...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
