good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
