I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
