does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
