I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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