oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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