why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
