can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
