shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm at about main and main street
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
