She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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