so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
