im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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